this is vain

well here i am writing again after likeeeee well forever.
i hate myself sometimes, just how these feelings of pain and hatred lingered silently with my frail glimpse of smiles. sometime too well that i couldn't recognize these tingling pain inside my chest.

i love changjo. i love teen top and definitely i love those smiles. how they bright up my painful nights effortlessly so naturally that my face just curled up into a smile. i love it.

but im well slowly losing grasp a little of each and everything in my life. nothing feels right sometimes and it hurts way too bad and the soul inside this body cringes with rage. i don't know.




i am hurting, i am in grey but i am fine.

nobody understands and nobody could actually. im dying for somebody to understand but that is an impossible dream because i don't even understand myself. there is so many things in this world that i see with loathes and hints of resentments.
i don't know im trying i am. sometimes too hard i believe. but nothing goes my way, i am thankful to many things, i am wrong for not showing it and breaking every subtle law there is but i really am thankful.

but that is my life i guess, unfinished.
a family that is half broken, partially mended. a wealth that disappeared. a look that is not enough and this gratefullness that is half rusted with loathes.

i guess im never enough that is what i really am. i am incomplete. 
there are holes in my life, dark and incomplete. i don't have any idea what they are. i do get an idea sometimes but well decided to brush it off, well because you see im far too lost i believe.
and i really just wanted to walk even further in this hazed path of mine, just a bit more. what an irony i wanted to see how spiteful could i be for this world.

and how my illusions could save me from all of it. but i hate myself for relying on things that is definitely not real. but fuck this, fuck it really.

because well honestly I HATE REALITY.

i am immature and just so so dirty. but i just don't want to change, just because reality is slamming against me and pushing me to the edge of light, i would like to stay in this overwhelming darkness.
the dark has probably eaten me whole, running down my veins and gushing out my heart because i see beauty in these pains. no i don't cut myself and no im not suicidal but i like it i guess.

disappointment has blended itself too well in my flesh that i foresee it in everything.

and like the fucking fool i am, im still hurting from it.
and oh ya just to complete this essay of resentment. what i hate most is my own guts.

i can't stand myself really.