Thoughts about feelings.

I think it's so stupid, really.

Why do we always give away our hearts like it was a spare change when that particular holder is the one we adore? Why do we always end up in the same pile of mud that gets sticky and annoying over time?

I just, I am a fool too because I'm doing these exact things that I inarticulately call foolish. Stupid. Useless. The heart is a maze, something that is always coiled with emotions and worthless sensations. But sometimes, it breaks down and there are no more confusing walls. Sometimes it is so clear that you find yourself cursing its simplicity. And for me is when I threw my feelings into a murky pond like a spare coin. It flooded. No more walls, no more riddles, just a box of full of dirty, mucky sand that clings at every fibre of my flesh.

I like a ghost. I do. I am somewhat head over heels for this unrealistic being. Because I never liked reality. And this ghost gave me a sense of belonging, but it's all based on delusional hopes. And I hover and roll around a bed of clouds. Funnily, it always hurts the most when I'm at the highest point.

You go from being this perfectly functional person to this individual that is squirming in her own tears, drowning, helplessly. Foolishly.

But then, whenever you get a space to stand, to plant your feet on the ground, you struggle your way back up. Because adornment is an addictive feeling. You find perfection in a person and a person would never stay the same, so you admire its dynamics. His or her changes, you watch it day after day like the seasons. And each one never wilts the same way.

Man is so weak to lust and temptations, rudely said, we are like a pack of wild dogs that sniffs carcasses by the side of the forest and loves it. WE LOVE IT.

We love being used. Love being hurt and looove being in love. We dream and fantasizes of this perfect partner that not only would satisfy our primal needs but also as an enlightenment. A speck of hope for salvation. Someone as desperate enough as we are to forgive all our sins.

But there are, people like me that would be in love with something too far and too difficult to reach. And yet I love it, I adore this feeling. I roll around in this emotion like it was some rotten romantic fiction thinking that maybe in ten years, I could be by his side as this impressive woman. Someone respectable. But so much time passed and I am still here, adoring a ghost. Crying cheap tears and being flooded with painful emotions, because my need, my desires are too far from being achievable.