POET

being in love doesn't mean holding them close.

sometimes its letting go.

whereas most of the time it is enduring heartaches.

and silently casting a smile to hide the cracks.

i am smiling.

there are happiness, laced perfectly thin

between each deceived giggles

because life is a privilege

living is  inevitable

still dying is a choice

because deaths comes in many ways

it could be the way you try hard 

to keep tears within your eyelids

and failed

or it could even be 

walking past a picture you cherished 

that rusted in meaning

still you try on bringing back the nothings

when it is too late

worst is when there is 

nothing

even from the start all you had was 

a hopeless prayer.

you hold on even when your flesh starts to rot

but you can't let go

because then death would invite you with a warm embrace

one too hard to resist.

darkness is death but behind each shadows

there are meaning.

there are stories.

books im forced to read.....

i think studying is fun.
only when you are a genius who could absorb every bloody letter in the book which i obviously can't. im facing a mid term but here i am just typing the time away in this blog that NO ONE READS.

yes im sarcastic.
its my life i swear

i don't like how he makes me feel, even from the start that person just practically arouse this sea of butterflies in my guts. and depending on how he does it, it will either bless my guts or rip them nice and slowly. making sure i feel like garbage.

i can't. i cannot handle the way he blast these deadly butterflies into my guts and practically infect my mind with his face. because every time this virus decided to mobilize, im literally helpless. i can't do things right and each frail breath i try to control just stray and make my weak mind go back to a part where i promised never to return.

for this week of course.

still if only i was strong. he is strong but im weak. apparently i've become this eternal slave of his because of my slow and faint will which was actually the one that kept me together the whole time.
he destroys logic in my reality and it hurts. i'm not sure but i guess to a certain point i may be exaggerating still being too caught in something so trivial makes my mind mock my own soul.

you are hopeless. worthless. helpless and there is no light that can save you.

i want my reality back and im struggling to own it once again. im living for the future but now i want to live today. lets live it, a subtle voice echoes among the silent screams of mockery in my head constantly reminding of what i really am.
that i am obviously lacking.

i lack so much that it burns me in the chest, that sometimes i would scratch it until it flushes color of the pink flesh in me.

can i face reality? am i competent enough to be able to taste happiness here.
not the dreams that i have in the back of my mind.

the reason why i am here, to chase them while silently battling the ghost of grey in my soul.
because when i slightly falter, they would overwhelm the reality and paint my sight with red, laced with grey.
happiness is objective.

and to me, its a luxury.

E X P E R I E N C E

well im probably just going to blabber about an audition i did a few hours ago.
i did..... hmm well lets just say decent ( dear lord forgive me for my lies )

No seriously, i was shaking, every part of my frickin body was like my phone. ON VIBRATE.
The camera was big and well intimidating, scary actually for my rather childish mind which was busy trying to forget either some bastard or trying to remember my lines.
which fyi my writing could beat the all too mighty 'tulisan doktor' and even my amplified eyes were too busy trying to make out le alphabets.

AND MAKE CONTACT WITH THE LENS.
them big damn lens.

but it was fun though, the staff were friendly, even replied my gummy smile with a judgemental smirk.
(which i decided to take it not-so-personally and smile even wider)
plus the tips and tricks of how not to be nervous and stuff the mic down our throat. haha my friend did that and i almost did, not that im judging.

which i have to say she did waaaaayyy better than me.
her nice high pitched voice rang perfectly CLEAR in my ears. still i have to admit i have never met somebody as driven as her, always trying hard in the things she wanted to do.
(compared to me who is always doing life recklessly)

and the RTM staff definitely saw it, the passion in her eyes. something in there i swore that burns, i don't know where she'll end up but im pretty sure it'll be bloody far. Much further than i fear, still everyone possess a dream, mine apparently isn't too far.

just ... south korea.

oh well i'm just living it now. lets live it seriously, no backing away just do all the shits i want. mess things up and clear them back just enjoying the ride of my youths now.
im doing this for a week, the week is ending rather sluggishly but it will. and when it does lets pray that i did all the things i pretty much never had the guts to do before.

eat ice cream, but fried chicken, eat at midnight and even maybe.....
wink at a hot guy while jogging ( which would probably cause the dude to sprint and maybe even end up in the lake fatimah)
but fuck lets enjoy the thrills.

because i think heart, just like them sport shoes are meant to be worn and torn. 
because at least in the end it would serve its purpose.





.

what if....

what if apparently the problem is me


no i am the problem. he is fine the world is fine.

i am not.

so i need accept this that what ever it is that i am feeling i need to face this prickly thorns in my guts and get over with it. he is there and i am here, it is my life that i need to save.
im not fine. im not okay, and it sucks. but i need to face it. i need to endure what ever fucked up feelings i have entwined inside and accept reality


because i have a goal and partly he's not even in it. and i can reach it

with or without my torchlight. because eventually the sun will rise and shine over darkness. 

I AM ALRIGHT

life is like this endless cycle of up and downs.

but for some people, even when it goes up traces of the times when you were in the darkest pit follows.
as for me it  never leaves. i am NEVER enough for my self that each and everything i do becomes a disappointment to my self. i am tired almost every day, trying to convince myself that im doing fine when for sure i am not.

and it shows, because even when i try to find meaning in life.... falling in love with reality is like asking me to swallow shards of glass and tell me that it will save my guts.

when obviously it's not. reality sucks and i hate it. every part of reality makes me throw up in my mouth and each breathe i take is like sand paper in my nose forcing way their way in. i am so messed up that even when i break not a single soul notice and they assume i am fine

WELL I AM NOT

because i am someone who does not need pity but understanding. i never let them know of how shitty my day feels, yes i crawl into my bed and covers my head and look like a person just died but well reality never really gives two damned shits to lacking souls like mine.

and the world never really see people like me, people who are just to messed in their own mind. constantly asking the lord to make themselves better when we all know its useless.
how better can i get? how far can i really go? how much longer do i need to stay afloat so that the audience of reality would assume that i am  doing fine?

well im sore.

all over in all of limbs it is pulsing out of my veins and i have no fucking strength to endure.
it hurts and there is nothing that i can do. a plague of heart is incurable. and it hurts more to know that even sometimes the people we had believed would save us is the reason we're drowning.

i am going through that now, accepting the fact that my saviour would just be my death. and i am tired.
and unless i break out into tears and crawl on this dirty floor, only then people would understand the pain i am carrying each day.

so fine, i'll bear all this pain quietly even when my knees rust and falter.

would you?

don't you think that behind all those darkness within his character there are truth behind it?
personally, that is where i think reality is.

there are no sheer happiness, behind each smiles we are just a fake as the smile torn on joker's face. And we are worst, because it our own flesh that curls up and defy ourselves.

to know this, Mr. JOKER my answer is

i am. i am very much depressed. 

it evening.....

yep

A rusting charm

Morning.

So today is another bright morning.... last night was a night where I couldn't sleep, a night where the more I close my eyes the stronger the jabbing sight gleams in my mind.

He was a guy that I really liked but there are many tines where I would just stop looking and stare somewhere else.

But I wouldn't worry because I know this heart would run back to his face but.........

My heart is like a untagged falcon flying away from where it belongs sometimes staying somewhere else for the sake of difference.

But differences are dangerous.

Because it may make this falcon trapped and stay. And last night I was trapped.
It was a very good looking trap.

Something entirely new. Red blazing hair and pale skin, those piercing eyes that shines even brighter when seen closer and that scary smirk.

Perfectly alluring and enticing. Just by one sight I was wavered. That warm but inevitably deep voice felt like thunder banging throughout my senses. He was indeed atomic. So just like that he stuck through my mind all night.

And wanting to sleep with only one person in mind I was struggling. That person was not who I want it to be.

Parading my mind with traces that I made myself I stayed awake for quite a moment.
So I opened my purse took out a damaged charm and held it all night long. I slept. I don't remember what I dreamed but I'm sure it was something good.

This charm is like a spell that unfolds in my mind each night, summoning the one person I wished to see every passing moment.

So I slept hoping that magic would maybe happen one more time.

It didn't. But still I had a good sleep. Just as deep so when I wake all I amleft with is blurred visions that I rather not translate.

Let it be hazy because this dangerous mind of mine is a trap itself and I wouldn't want to be intwined in my own thoughts.

Because a thought is like a viral plague,  once you  plant it in your mind it grows and never dies. You are left with choices of ignoring it or succumb to what it demands.

Good or bad.

HELLO

hi there.
so this is my new blog. i stopped writing here quite some time ago but im writing again, because well i just like it.

im a simple person who dreams a lot of amazing things and wishes to love amazing people however i still lack a lot, but i guess it does not stop me from doing the things i love. im currently studying mass communication and at first i thought this course was all about papers and cameras, turns out its way more glamorous. and well it apparently didn't fit me much but i realized that being positive and accepting the bright sides of life is somehow much easier.

im an introvert who loves writing and daydreaming so i guess writing is something much easier than actual talking because obviously i don't really talk well. i write stories and most of them are based on koreans but each story are made with a lot of effort so most of the time im pretty content with the results.

plan on being a writer/editor in a magazine firm. but my dream is to have a life somewhere new (cough SOUTH KOREA cough) and maybe settle down in the suburbs of malaysia maybe cameron highland making coffee on higher grounds. a simple but very peaceful dream.

well enough about myself. wait, maybe a little bit more (since its my blog :P) erm i write totally random stuff in here but i'll try to make it something worth wasting time on. but even if no one reads this blog, i'll just content for this little space that i can freely rant on.

and braces yourself because well..... i curse better than i smile so.........
and there will be love letters, suicidal letter and just a blend of messed up emotions in my daily life.

i probably won't update much but well yeah.